"SCOTT PILGRIM": A COOL MOVIE MY MOM DIDN'T WANT ME TO SEE

Editor's note: I saw the film Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World and enjoyed it, but I wasn't blown away, as I mentioned in my comments as a part of the excellent series running at The Junior Varsity. I don't deny it has a very strong visual aesthetic, and I quite enjoy the work of director Edgar Wright, but I was a little ambivalent. I figured I might be too old to be in the target audience, so I arranged for my intrepid 9-year-old junior reporter Spencer to see the movie without his mother's knowledge. His unedited words are below. Enjoy.

SO I SAW SOME OF THE TRAILERS FOR SCOTT PILGRIM AND I WAS LIKE, WOW THAT LOOKS LIKE A REALLY COOL MOVIE BECAUSE IT LOOKED LIKE A VIDEO GAME AND JAPANAMATION AND I WANTED TO SEE IT BUT I WAS PRETTY SURE MY MOM WOULDN'T WANT ME TO SEE IT BECAUSE OF THE VIOLENCE AND FIGHTING AND ROCK MUSIC AND GUESS WHAT I WAS RIGHT. WHEN JOE CALLED AND SAID HE WOULD GIVE ME SOME MONEY TO SEE IT AND CALL THE THEATER TO PRETEND TO BE MY DAD SO I COULD SEE IT I WAS LIKE WOW I REALLY WANTED TO SEE IT SO PLEASE LET ME SEE IT AND HE SAID OKAY.

I WENT TO GO SEE IT ON A MONDAY NIGHT SO THERE WEREN'T ALOTS OF PEOPLE IN THE THEATER THERE WAS SOME HIGH SCHOOL KIDS IN FRONT OF ME ONE GUY AND LIKE FIVE GIRLS AND I WAS LIKE I HOPE I'M THAT COOL WHEN I GET TO BE IN HIGH SCHOOL BECAUSE HE HAS IT ALL FIGURED OUT. HE WAS SITTING AT THE END AND WAS WEARING A BEANIE AND BLAKC MUSCLE SHIRT AND FINGERLESS GLOVES AND HAD HIS ARM AROUND ONE OF THE GIRLS I THINK MAYBE I SHOULD GET CLOTHINGS LIKE THAT BECAUSE HE MADE IT WORK FOR HIM.

SO ANYWAYS THE MOVIE STARTED AND I LIKED IT FROM THE VERY BEGINNING THE UNIVERSAL LOGO WAS LIKE A REALLY OLD VIDEOGAME JOE SAID IT WAS PROBABLY SUPPOSED TO BE A SEGA GENESIS HE SAID THOSE COST ALMOST AS MUCH AS A PLAY STATION DOES TODAY AND I LAUGHED ALOT AND SAID OLD PEOPLE WERE STUPID TO PAY SO MUCH MONEY FOR THOSE I HEARD JOE SIGH.

AFTER THE UNIVERSAL LOGO THE MOVIE ACTUALLY STARTED IT WAS ABOUT SCOTT PILGRIM WHO PLAYS IN A BAND HE DOESN'T HAVE A JOB THOUGH SO HE'S KIND OF A LOSER AND POOR BUT HE JUST STARTED DATING THIS GIRL KNIVES WHO IS GOOD AT DDR FIGHTING GAMES AND BEING CHINESE. SHE SEEMS REALLY COOL AND SCOTT SEEMS TO LIKE HER BUT THEN HE DREAMS ABOUT RAMONA AND MEETS RAMONA AND HE WANTS TO DATE RAMONA AND EVERYONE TELLS HIM HE SHOULD BREAK UP WITH KNIVES FIRST BUT HE PUTS IT OFF UNTIL AFTER HE HAS A DATE WITH RAMONA AND THEY MADE KISSY IN UNDERWEAR AND IT WAS SO AWESOME I HOPE I HAVE DATES LIKE THAT SOMEDAY.

SO ANYWAYS RAMONA HAS EVIL EX-BOYFRIENDS THAT SCOTT HAS TO FIGHT AND KILL IF HE WANTS TO DO MORE UNDERWEAR DATES WITH RAMONA AND THE REST OF THE MOVIE IS HIM FIGHTING EX-BOYFRIENDS AND ONE EXGIRLFRIEND (WHAT?) AND THEN AT THE END HE FINALLY GETS TO DATE RAMONA MORE. JOE WANTED TO KNOW IF I THOUGHT THE COMBINATION OF WINNINGS WITH FIGHTING AND SOMETIMES BEING SMARTER THAN THE EX WAS SOMETHING I LIKED OR DIDN'T LIKE BUT I LIKED ALL THE FIGHTS BECAUSE THERE WAS ALWAYS SOME KUGFU ACTION AND COLORS FLASHING SO IT DIDN'T REALLY BOTHER ME I GUESS.

I ALSO LIKED HOW SOMETIMES IT WOULD SEEM LIKE THEY WERE TALKING IN THE SAME PLACE THEY STARTED TALKING BUT THEN THEY WERE SOMEWHERE ELSE STILL TALKING ABOUT THE SAME THINGS THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT THIS IS CALLED EDITING AND I LIKED IT BECAUSE IT WAS A SURPRISE. THERE WERE LOTS OF THINGS I NOTICED REALLY SMALL LIKE A SIGN WITH A FLICKERING LETTER SO IT SAID FIGHT IN A BACKGROUND OR HOW FUZZY STREETLIGHTS OUTSIDE LOOKED LIKE HEARTS WHILE SCOTT AND RAMONA WERE ON THE BUS I'LL BET I DIDN'T SEE ALL OF THEM.

SO ANYWAYS JOE ASKED ME A BUNCH MORE OF QUESTIONS ABOUT STUFF I LIKED AND DIDN'T LIKE AND I WAS LIKE YOU THINK ABOUT MOVIES TOO MUCH IT WAS REALLY COOL JUST ENJOY IT BUT ANYWAYS HERES SOME STUFF WE TALKED ABOUT. JOE WANTED TO KNOW IF I THOUGHT MICHAEL SERA WAS PLAYING THE SAME ROLE AND I WAS LIKE WHO IS MICHAEL SERA AND HE PLAYED SCOTT SO I SAID I LIKED HIM BECAUSE HE WAS FUNNY AND COOL. JOE SAID HE WAS IN YOUTH IN REVOLT AND I HADN'T HEARD OF IT AND PAPER HEART AND I HADN'T HEARD OF IT AND NICK AND NORAH'S INFINITE PLAYLIST AND I HADN'T HEARD OF IT. HE WAS IN JUNO THAT MY MOM WOULDN'T LET ME SEE BECAUSE IT GLORIFIED TEEN SEX AND IN SUPERBAD THAT MY MOM WOULDN'T LET ME SEE BECAUSE IT GLORIFIED TEEN SEX AND TEEN DRINKING AND ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT THAT MY MOM WOULDNT LET ME SEE BECAUSE IT GLORIFIED BEING SASSY. ALSO YEAR ONE.

HE ASKED ABOUT THE REST OF THE CAST AND LISTED OFF A BUNCH OF NAMES KEERUN CULKIN AS WALLACE WITH THE BOYFRIENDS AND MARK WEBBER AS STEPHEN FROM THE BAND AND ANNA KENDRICK AS STACEY THE SISTER AND AUBREY PLAZA AS JULIE WITH THE BLEEPS AND ALISON PILL AS KIM ON DRUMS AND MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD AS RAMONA WITH THE HAIR AND JOHNNY SIMMONS AS YOUNG NEIL ALSO ON BASS AND ELLEN WONG AS KNIVES AND CUTE AND JASON SCHWARTZMAN AS GIDEON THE BAD GUY AND I THOUGHT EVERYONE WAS REALLY GOOD. THERE WERE MORE NAMES HE SAID BUT I STOPPED PAYING ATTENTION.

I LIKED ALL THE MUSIC A LOT AND PLAYING AND HOW KIM COUNTED THEM OFF ONE TWO THREE FOUR ALL THE TIME THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE PUNK BANDS FROM THE 80S AND 90S BUT I DIDN'T KNOW THEM BECAUSE GUESS WHAT MY MOM DOESN'T LET ME LISTEN TO PUNK. JOE SAID THERE WAS STUFF THAT REFERENCED OTHER EDGAR WRIGHT MOVIES AND MATRIX TWO AND THE POWER UP REDO WAS LIKE RUN LOLA RUN BUT I DIDN'T SEE THOSE SO WHATEVER I STILL LIKED EVERYTHING PRETTY GOOD.

SO ANYWAYS I REALLY LIKED SCOTT PILGRIM AND IT WAS FUNNY AND REALLY COOL TO LOOK AT AND I LIKED ALL THE MUSIC AND FIGHTS WITH PEOPLE BURSTING INTO COINS AND STUFF AND SOUNDS SPELLED WITH LETTERS AND IT WAS LIKE WATCHING A REALLY AWESOME COMIC BOOK. I WAS SUPPOSED TO RATE IT FROM ONE TO FIVE SO I WOULD TOTALLY GIVE IT FIVE BECAUSE IT WAS SUPER AWESOME AND I LIKE MOVIES THAT WERE AWESOME. I WANT TO BE COOL LIKE SCOTT AND THAT GUY WITH THE FINGERLESS GLOVES AND PLAY THE BASS NOW BECAUSE SCOTT PILGRIM TAUGHT ME THE BASS IS THE COOLEST INSTRUMENT IN THE BAND.

IF YOU LIKE MOVIES THAT MAKE YOU LAUGH AND HAVE ACTION STUFF AND LOOK NEAT ALL THE TIME YOU SHOULD SEE SCOTT PILGRIM BECAUSE IT WAS COOL AND IT TEACHES YOU SOMETIMES YOUR BIGGEST ENEMY IS YOURSELF AND YOU CAN BEAT IT BY GOING TO LUNCH SO UNTIL NEXT TIME THANKS FOR READING MY REVIEW THIS IS SPENCER BYE.

MARMADUKE: FUN FOR YOUR FAMILY

Editor's note: I simply refused to see the big-screen adaptation of Brad Anderson's surreal and humorless comic strip Marmaduke. Instead, I hired my 9-year-old neighbor Spencer to see and review the movie for me, in exchange for ticket fare and five dollars in small change. His unedited words are below. Enjoy.

WELL I WAS EXCITED WHEN JOE TOLD ME HE'D GIVE ME SOME MONEY TO GO SEE THE NEW MARMADUKE MOVIE BECAUSE I LIKE FUNNY MOVIES AND DOGS AND I COULD TELL FROM THE POSTER THAT THIS MOVIE WOULD PUT THOSE TWO THINGS TOGETHER.

MARMADUKE IS ABOUT A BIG DOG NAMED MARMADUKE THAT CAUSES TROUBLE FOR HIS OWNER NAMED PHIL BUT THE REST OF THE FAMILY DOESN'T SEEMED BOTHERED BY MARMADUKE THATS PROBABLY BECAUSE PHIL CARES MORE ABOUT HIS JOB THAN HIS DOG AND IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE PHIL IS A MARKETER FOR A DOG FOOD COMPANY THAT GETS A NEW JOB FOR A BIGGER DOG FOOD COMPANY AND HE HAS TO MOVE HIS FAMILY TO CALIFORNIA FOR THE NEW JOB THEY USED TO LIVE IN KANSAS.

YOU CAN TELL THAT EVEN THOUGH MARMADUKE SOMETIMES IS A TROUBLE MAKER HE IS STILL A GOOD DOG BECAUSE HE TAKES THE YOUNGEST KID FOR WALKS IN THE BEGINNING SO SHE GETS EXERCISE I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT THE YOUNGEST DAUGHTER BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING THE REST OF THE MOVIE.

SOME OF THE SILLY STUFF MARMADUKE DOES IS DIG LOTS OF HOLES IN THE YARD BECAUSE HE WANTS TO FIND CHINA AND RUN OUT OF THE TUB WHEN HE IS GETTING A BATHED. ALSO IN THE BEGINNING HE FARTS IN THE BED WITH PHIL AND HIS WIFE AND IT SMELLS BAD AND I LAUGHED.

SO ANYWAYS PHIL GETS HIS FAMILY READY TO MOVE FROM KANSAS TO CALIFORNIA AND HE PUTS MARMADUKE AND HIS CAT CARLOS IN A CAGE AND GIVES THEM MEATBALLS THAT MAKE THEM SLEEP IN THE PLANE AND MAKES THEM SILLY. CARLOS LOOKS AT HIS PAWS AND SAYS IT'S WEIRD. THERE WAS A MOM SITTING IN FRONT OF ME THAT LAUGHED REALLY HARD AT THAT.

THAT MOM LAUGHED AT SOME OTHER STUFF TOO THAT I DIDN'T GET, LIKE WHEN DOGS ARE SHOWING MARMADUKE THE DIFFERENT GROUPS AT THE DOG PARK AND THERE ARE THE MUSHROOM DOGS AND THEY'RE ACTING WEIRD, OR WHEN A DOG DRINKS TOO MUCH DRAIN PIPE WATER, OR WHEN A DOG IS DRINKING OUT OF THE TOILET AND OTHER DOGS ARE TELLING IT TO CHUG CHUG CHUG. THAT MOM THOUGHT ALL THOSE JOKES WERE FUNNY. SHE WAS DRINKING OUT OF A PAPER BAG WHICH I THOUGHT WAS WEIRD.

SO ANYWAYS THEY GET TO CALIFORNIA AND THERE ARE TWO SONGS ABOUT CALIFORNIA ONE FROM TUPAC AND ONE FROM THE OC SHOW MY MOM DIDN'T LET ME WATCH. THEN MARMADUKE MEETS NEW FRIENDS AT THE DOG PARK MAINLY MAZIE WHO IS A GIRL DOG AND HE DOESN'T FIT IN BECAUSE HE'S BIG. HE GETS A CRUSH ON THIS DOG JEZEBEL BUT SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND BOSCO WHO IS THE ALPHA DOG AND SURFS.

TO BE COOL, MARMADUKE ASKS CARLOS TO PRETEND TO GET BEATEN UP BY MARMADUKE AT THE DOG PARK AND CARLOS AGREES BUT GETS MAD AT MARMADUKE.

SO IN THE MEANTIME PHIL'S NEW JOB ISN'T GOING SO WELL AND HE'S NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO HIS SON WHO DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY SOCCER AND HIS OLDER DAUGHTER THAT WANTS TO MEET BOYS. PHIL NEEDS AN IDEA TO MARKET THE DOG FOOD AND MARMADUKE IS SCARED OF A BEE IN THE CAR AND STARTS BARKING SO PHIL PULLS OVER AND THINKS MARMADUKE WAS BARKING AT SURFERS AND HAS AN IDEA TO MARKET THE DOG FOOD BY HAVING A DOG SURFING CONTEST.

EVEN THOUGH BOSCO IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE BEST SURFER MARMADUKE WINS THE DOG SURFING CONTEST.

MARMADUKE GETS TO BE POPULAR AND HE FORGETS HIS FRIENDS THAT TAUGHT HIM TO PLAY DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION AND TAKES JEZEBEL ON THE DREAM DATE MAZIE TOLD MARMADUKE ABOUT AND MAZIE IS SAD. JOE SAID IT WAS IRONIC JEZEBEL WAS NAMED JEZEBEL BUT SAID I WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHATEVER I THINK ITS A PRETTY NAME FOR A FEMALE DOG.

THEN MARMADUKE HOLDS A PARTY AT HIS HOUSE WHEN PHIL AND THE FAMILY LEAVE FOR THE WEEKEND AND EVERYONE FINDS OUT CARLOS AND MARMADUKE ARE FRIENDS AND THEN NO-ONE LIKES MARMADUKE AGAIN.

THERE WAS A FUNNY PART AT THE PARTY WHERE A DOG WAS ON THE ROOF BY THE POOL AND YELLED OUT I AM A GOLDEN DOG BEFORE JUMPING INTO THE POOL JOE SAID THAT WAS A REFERENCE TO THE MOVIE ALMOST FAMOUS BUT MY MOM WON'T LET ME WATCH THAT BECAUSE SHE SAYS IT GLORIFIES ROCK AND ROLL AND JOURNALISM.

SO ANYWAYS THE HOUSE IS TRASHED FROM THE PARTY AND PHIL IS MAD SO HE PUTS MARMADUKE OUTSIDE IN THE RAIN AND MARMADUKE RUNS A WAY AFTER PUTTING THE SOCCER JERSEY AND DAUGHTER'S CELL PHONE ON THE TABLE FOR PHIL. MAZIE FINDS OUT MARMADUKE RAN AWAY AND GOES LOOKING FOR HIM.

SO THE NEXT DAY PHIL FINDS OUT HE'S BEEN A BAD DAD AND TAKES THE FAMILY LOOKING FOR MARMADUKE EVEN THOUGH HE HAS A BUSINESS MEETING AND MARMADUKE AND MAZIE FALL IN A BURST DRAIN PIPE AND PHIL HAS TO SAVE MARMADUKE FROM THE LA RIVER AND THE VIDEO GETS ON YOUTUBE AND IT SAVES PHIL'S JOB AND MARMADUKE LIKED MAZIE BACK AND THAT WAS THE END.

SO MARMADUKE WAS ABOUT BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF AND LISTENING TO PEOPLE BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES PHONIES. THE MOVIE ENDED GOOD TOO BECAUSE PHIL'S BOSS WONDERS IF THEY CAN MAKE A COMMERCIAL WITH TALKING DOGS BUT PHIL SAYS HE WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT WHICH IS FUNNY BECAUSE THE DOGS TALK THE WHOLE MOVIE THEN THEY WONDER WHAT IF DOGS DANCED AND THEN THE DOGS DANCE AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS COOL BECAUSE I ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF DOGS DANCED.

THEN AT THE VERY VERY END THEY END IT WITH A LAUGH BECAUSE MARMADUKE FARTS IN BED AGAIN JOE SAYS THAT VIOLATED THE COMEDY RULE OF THREE WHICH I GUESS IS RIGHT BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE LIKED THREE FART JOKES INSTEAD OF JUST TWO OH WELL THEY CAN DO IT IN THE SEQUEL.

THERE WERE LOTS OF FAMOUS PEOPLE IN THIS MARMADUKE MOVIE OWEN WILSON WAS THE VOICE OF MARMADUKE AND HE WAS IN CARS AND GEORGE LOPEZ WAS THE VOICE OF CARLOS AND HE HAS A SHOW IN TBS BUT MY MOM WON'T LET ME WATCH CABLE AND EMMA STONE WAS THE VOICE OF MAZIE AND SHE WAS IN ZOMBIELAND BUT MY MOM WON'T LET ME WATCH THAT BECAUSE IT GLORIFIES VIOLENCE AND WOODY HARRELSON AND FERGIE WAS THE VOICE OF JEZEBEL AND SHE IS IN THE BLACK EYED PEAS BUT MY MOM WON'T LET ME LISTEN TO THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE TERRIBLE. ALSO LEE PACE AND KEIFER SUTHERLAND AND JUDY GREER AND MCLOVIN AND STEVE COOGAN AND WILLIAM H MACY AND SAM ELLIOTT.

SO ANYWAYS JOE SAID I SHOULD RATE THIS MOVIE ON A SCALE OF ONE TO FIVE SO I GUESS I WOULD RATE IT A FOUR OUT OF FIVE BECAUSE IT WAS FUN AND MADE YOU THINK BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER IF THERE HAD BEEN THREE FARTS. ITS FUN FOR EVERYONE.

THERE WERE SOME KIDS IN THE BATHROOM AFTER THE MOVIE THAT SAID THEY SAW EVERYTHING COMING AND THE ONLY GOOD PART WAS GEORGE LOPEZ AND I WANTED TO SAY HEY KID IF THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK I DARE YOU TO MAKE A BETTER MOVIE BUT BY THE TIME I THOUGHT OF IT HE HAD ALREADY PEED AND WASHED HIS HANDS AND CHECKED HIS HAIR AND WALKED OUT OF THE BATHROOM OH WELL I GUESS I NOW HAVE SOMETHING SMART TO SAY NEXT TIME I HEAR SOMEONE SAY THAT.

SO ANYWAYS THAT WAS MY REVIEW OF THE MOVIE MARMADUKE AND I LIKED IT AND YOU SHOULD SEE IT IF YOU LIKE TO LAUGH AND YOUR PARENTS WILL TAKE YOU SO I HOPED YOU LIKED READING THIS REVIEW UNTIL NEXT TIME THIS IS SPENCER BYE.