"SCOTT PILGRIM": A COOL MOVIE MY MOM DIDN'T WANT ME TO SEE

Editor's note: I saw the film Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World and enjoyed it, but I wasn't blown away, as I mentioned in my comments as a part of the excellent series running at The Junior Varsity. I don't deny it has a very strong visual aesthetic, and I quite enjoy the work of director Edgar Wright, but I was a little ambivalent. I figured I might be too old to be in the target audience, so I arranged for my intrepid 9-year-old junior reporter Spencer to see the movie without his mother's knowledge. His unedited words are below. Enjoy.

SO I SAW SOME OF THE TRAILERS FOR SCOTT PILGRIM AND I WAS LIKE, WOW THAT LOOKS LIKE A REALLY COOL MOVIE BECAUSE IT LOOKED LIKE A VIDEO GAME AND JAPANAMATION AND I WANTED TO SEE IT BUT I WAS PRETTY SURE MY MOM WOULDN'T WANT ME TO SEE IT BECAUSE OF THE VIOLENCE AND FIGHTING AND ROCK MUSIC AND GUESS WHAT I WAS RIGHT. WHEN JOE CALLED AND SAID HE WOULD GIVE ME SOME MONEY TO SEE IT AND CALL THE THEATER TO PRETEND TO BE MY DAD SO I COULD SEE IT I WAS LIKE WOW I REALLY WANTED TO SEE IT SO PLEASE LET ME SEE IT AND HE SAID OKAY.

I WENT TO GO SEE IT ON A MONDAY NIGHT SO THERE WEREN'T ALOTS OF PEOPLE IN THE THEATER THERE WAS SOME HIGH SCHOOL KIDS IN FRONT OF ME ONE GUY AND LIKE FIVE GIRLS AND I WAS LIKE I HOPE I'M THAT COOL WHEN I GET TO BE IN HIGH SCHOOL BECAUSE HE HAS IT ALL FIGURED OUT. HE WAS SITTING AT THE END AND WAS WEARING A BEANIE AND BLAKC MUSCLE SHIRT AND FINGERLESS GLOVES AND HAD HIS ARM AROUND ONE OF THE GIRLS I THINK MAYBE I SHOULD GET CLOTHINGS LIKE THAT BECAUSE HE MADE IT WORK FOR HIM.

SO ANYWAYS THE MOVIE STARTED AND I LIKED IT FROM THE VERY BEGINNING THE UNIVERSAL LOGO WAS LIKE A REALLY OLD VIDEOGAME JOE SAID IT WAS PROBABLY SUPPOSED TO BE A SEGA GENESIS HE SAID THOSE COST ALMOST AS MUCH AS A PLAY STATION DOES TODAY AND I LAUGHED ALOT AND SAID OLD PEOPLE WERE STUPID TO PAY SO MUCH MONEY FOR THOSE I HEARD JOE SIGH.

AFTER THE UNIVERSAL LOGO THE MOVIE ACTUALLY STARTED IT WAS ABOUT SCOTT PILGRIM WHO PLAYS IN A BAND HE DOESN'T HAVE A JOB THOUGH SO HE'S KIND OF A LOSER AND POOR BUT HE JUST STARTED DATING THIS GIRL KNIVES WHO IS GOOD AT DDR FIGHTING GAMES AND BEING CHINESE. SHE SEEMS REALLY COOL AND SCOTT SEEMS TO LIKE HER BUT THEN HE DREAMS ABOUT RAMONA AND MEETS RAMONA AND HE WANTS TO DATE RAMONA AND EVERYONE TELLS HIM HE SHOULD BREAK UP WITH KNIVES FIRST BUT HE PUTS IT OFF UNTIL AFTER HE HAS A DATE WITH RAMONA AND THEY MADE KISSY IN UNDERWEAR AND IT WAS SO AWESOME I HOPE I HAVE DATES LIKE THAT SOMEDAY.

SO ANYWAYS RAMONA HAS EVIL EX-BOYFRIENDS THAT SCOTT HAS TO FIGHT AND KILL IF HE WANTS TO DO MORE UNDERWEAR DATES WITH RAMONA AND THE REST OF THE MOVIE IS HIM FIGHTING EX-BOYFRIENDS AND ONE EXGIRLFRIEND (WHAT?) AND THEN AT THE END HE FINALLY GETS TO DATE RAMONA MORE. JOE WANTED TO KNOW IF I THOUGHT THE COMBINATION OF WINNINGS WITH FIGHTING AND SOMETIMES BEING SMARTER THAN THE EX WAS SOMETHING I LIKED OR DIDN'T LIKE BUT I LIKED ALL THE FIGHTS BECAUSE THERE WAS ALWAYS SOME KUGFU ACTION AND COLORS FLASHING SO IT DIDN'T REALLY BOTHER ME I GUESS.

I ALSO LIKED HOW SOMETIMES IT WOULD SEEM LIKE THEY WERE TALKING IN THE SAME PLACE THEY STARTED TALKING BUT THEN THEY WERE SOMEWHERE ELSE STILL TALKING ABOUT THE SAME THINGS THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT THIS IS CALLED EDITING AND I LIKED IT BECAUSE IT WAS A SURPRISE. THERE WERE LOTS OF THINGS I NOTICED REALLY SMALL LIKE A SIGN WITH A FLICKERING LETTER SO IT SAID FIGHT IN A BACKGROUND OR HOW FUZZY STREETLIGHTS OUTSIDE LOOKED LIKE HEARTS WHILE SCOTT AND RAMONA WERE ON THE BUS I'LL BET I DIDN'T SEE ALL OF THEM.

SO ANYWAYS JOE ASKED ME A BUNCH MORE OF QUESTIONS ABOUT STUFF I LIKED AND DIDN'T LIKE AND I WAS LIKE YOU THINK ABOUT MOVIES TOO MUCH IT WAS REALLY COOL JUST ENJOY IT BUT ANYWAYS HERES SOME STUFF WE TALKED ABOUT. JOE WANTED TO KNOW IF I THOUGHT MICHAEL SERA WAS PLAYING THE SAME ROLE AND I WAS LIKE WHO IS MICHAEL SERA AND HE PLAYED SCOTT SO I SAID I LIKED HIM BECAUSE HE WAS FUNNY AND COOL. JOE SAID HE WAS IN YOUTH IN REVOLT AND I HADN'T HEARD OF IT AND PAPER HEART AND I HADN'T HEARD OF IT AND NICK AND NORAH'S INFINITE PLAYLIST AND I HADN'T HEARD OF IT. HE WAS IN JUNO THAT MY MOM WOULDN'T LET ME SEE BECAUSE IT GLORIFIED TEEN SEX AND IN SUPERBAD THAT MY MOM WOULDN'T LET ME SEE BECAUSE IT GLORIFIED TEEN SEX AND TEEN DRINKING AND ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT THAT MY MOM WOULDNT LET ME SEE BECAUSE IT GLORIFIED BEING SASSY. ALSO YEAR ONE.

HE ASKED ABOUT THE REST OF THE CAST AND LISTED OFF A BUNCH OF NAMES KEERUN CULKIN AS WALLACE WITH THE BOYFRIENDS AND MARK WEBBER AS STEPHEN FROM THE BAND AND ANNA KENDRICK AS STACEY THE SISTER AND AUBREY PLAZA AS JULIE WITH THE BLEEPS AND ALISON PILL AS KIM ON DRUMS AND MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD AS RAMONA WITH THE HAIR AND JOHNNY SIMMONS AS YOUNG NEIL ALSO ON BASS AND ELLEN WONG AS KNIVES AND CUTE AND JASON SCHWARTZMAN AS GIDEON THE BAD GUY AND I THOUGHT EVERYONE WAS REALLY GOOD. THERE WERE MORE NAMES HE SAID BUT I STOPPED PAYING ATTENTION.

I LIKED ALL THE MUSIC A LOT AND PLAYING AND HOW KIM COUNTED THEM OFF ONE TWO THREE FOUR ALL THE TIME THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE PUNK BANDS FROM THE 80S AND 90S BUT I DIDN'T KNOW THEM BECAUSE GUESS WHAT MY MOM DOESN'T LET ME LISTEN TO PUNK. JOE SAID THERE WAS STUFF THAT REFERENCED OTHER EDGAR WRIGHT MOVIES AND MATRIX TWO AND THE POWER UP REDO WAS LIKE RUN LOLA RUN BUT I DIDN'T SEE THOSE SO WHATEVER I STILL LIKED EVERYTHING PRETTY GOOD.

SO ANYWAYS I REALLY LIKED SCOTT PILGRIM AND IT WAS FUNNY AND REALLY COOL TO LOOK AT AND I LIKED ALL THE MUSIC AND FIGHTS WITH PEOPLE BURSTING INTO COINS AND STUFF AND SOUNDS SPELLED WITH LETTERS AND IT WAS LIKE WATCHING A REALLY AWESOME COMIC BOOK. I WAS SUPPOSED TO RATE IT FROM ONE TO FIVE SO I WOULD TOTALLY GIVE IT FIVE BECAUSE IT WAS SUPER AWESOME AND I LIKE MOVIES THAT WERE AWESOME. I WANT TO BE COOL LIKE SCOTT AND THAT GUY WITH THE FINGERLESS GLOVES AND PLAY THE BASS NOW BECAUSE SCOTT PILGRIM TAUGHT ME THE BASS IS THE COOLEST INSTRUMENT IN THE BAND.

IF YOU LIKE MOVIES THAT MAKE YOU LAUGH AND HAVE ACTION STUFF AND LOOK NEAT ALL THE TIME YOU SHOULD SEE SCOTT PILGRIM BECAUSE IT WAS COOL AND IT TEACHES YOU SOMETIMES YOUR BIGGEST ENEMY IS YOURSELF AND YOU CAN BEAT IT BY GOING TO LUNCH SO UNTIL NEXT TIME THANKS FOR READING MY REVIEW THIS IS SPENCER BYE.

Summer movie previews: action/adventure

Yes, readers, the summer movie season is already revving up, and if there's anything I like more in the summertime than grilling cholesterol-laden meats, blowing things up, and guaranteeing melanoma later in life, it's a summer blockbuster.

I have yet to read over the summer release schedule, but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess only one of the summer offerings is definitely going to be worth checking out (cough cough THE ABOVE POSTER cough cough). Let's see*.

Robin Hood

RELEASE DATE: in theaters

SYNOPSIS: Gladiator star Russell Crowe and director Ridley Scott team up to remake Gladiator, only this time he's in the woods instead of the Coliseum and armed with a bow and arrow instead a sword and slave labor.

IHYFM RECOMMENDATION: As much as I respect the body of work Ridley Scott has amassed over the past few decades, the trailer for Robin Hood didn't inspire a whole lot of confidence. Similarly, the mediocre critical response indicates Robin Hood suffers from the same lack of compelling storytelling that dragged Scott's Kingdom of Heaven down. Pass.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

RELEASE DATE: May 28th

SYNOPSIS: Jake Gyllenhaal possesses a dagger that can take whomever holds it back through time. Ben Kingsley is a bad guy. Alfred Molina once again appears in a film that is likely not worthy of his talent. I'd say the same for Sir Kingsley but he was in The Love Guru. Unforgivable.

IHYFM RECOMMENDATION: Movies based off of videogames have a great track record, right? Even though the trailer made one of my nerdier buddies wet his pants with excitement (possibly literally), I'm thinking this will be a pass.

Splice

RELEASE DATE: June 4th

SYNOPSIS: Adrian Brody and Sarah Polley are scientists who blend their own DNA with animal specimens, creating something that looks like an alien from Alien mated with one of the precogs from Minority Report. Hilarity, apparently, does not ensue.

IHYFM RECOMMENDATION: I love a good horror movie, but so far the trailer hasn't sold me entirely - the concept isn't terrible but it looks like the execution could go either way. Wait for the reviews unless you're already geeked up.

The A-Team

RELEASE DATE: June 11th

SYNOPSIS: A crack squad of military elite are framed for a crime they didn't commit. It's kind of like a television show most of you are not old enough to remember. Pity.

IHYFM RECOMMENDATION: So long as director Jon Carnahan approaches the material with the appropriate level of chagrin, this could be a decent throw-away action flick. Liam Neeson and Bradley Cooper, along with District 9's Sharlto Copley will likely make up for cage fighter Quinton Jackson's lack of dramatic training. If the reviews are decent, might as well check it out. For the record, though, I enjoyed the helicopter snag scene from the trailer a lot more when it was in The Dark Knight.

Jonah Hex

RELEASE DATE: June 18th

SYNOPSIS: The grizzled Old West bounty hunter from DC Comics takes to the big screen.

IHYFM RECOMMENDATION: If I hadn't read about this in The AV Club's guide to summer movies, this would have completely passed me by. Despite Josh Brolin in the lead role, likely playing a far grittier version of Llewelyn Moss from No Country For Old Men, I'm going to hold out for critical reception on this one too. Comic book and graphic novel adaptations have a track record only slightly better than videogame adaptations or Dolph Lundgren vehicles.

Twilight: Eclipse

RELEASE DATE: June 30th

SYNOPSIS: Vampires and werewolves and shit.

IHYFM RECOMMENDATION: [sigh].

The Last Airbender

RELEASE DATE: July 2nd

SYNOPSIS: A young boy finds he is the key to end a world-wide war. No, his name is not Winston Churchill.

IHYFM RECOMMENDATION: I wouldn't hesitate to recommend a film based off of a popular martial arts cartoon to anyone that was a fan, but they key element here is one Mr. M Night Shyamalan, who has defied all logic and extended his career about three films longer than he was entitled. Be very, very wary. Anyone who thinks otherwise, I dare you to defend The Happening.

Predators

RELEASE DATE: July 9th

SYNOPSIS: A reboot/re-imagining of the original pits Adrian Brody, Lawrence Fishburne, and Danny Trejo against some nasty aliens that are scarier than Javier Bardem.

IHYFM RECOMMENDATION: Prequels and retellings are a mixed bag. So far as pure action thrills, though, the shot of Brody getting lit up by laser sites at the end of the trailer, not to mention that Robert Rodriguez produced the film, makes me think Predators will be worth a look.

Inception

RELEASE DATE: July 16th

SYNOPSIS: Leonardo DiCaprio steals secrets from people's dreams in the latest offering from Christopher Nolan.

IHYFM RECOMMENDATION: Even Christopher Nolan's weakest films (in my opinion, Insomnia and The Prestige) are far more entertaining than the average Hollywood offering. Inception stars Scorcese's go-to man, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Marion Cotillard, and Ken Watanabe, and the film promises to be a mindbender in every sense of the word. We may be looking at not only one of the best movies of the summer, but possibly one of the best of the year.

Salt

RELEASE DATE: July 23rd

SYNOPSIS: Angelina Jolie is not a spy! She may actually be a spy! But she may not be! Who cares, she has sexy black hair!

IHYFM RECOMMENDATION: Salt seems like a not-as-clever spin on the Bourne franchise. I suppose it could be a fun flick, though, with Jolie in a badass action role. After all, Wanted was good, right? Wait, what? Wanted kind of blew? Oh. Right.

The Expendables

RELEASE DATE: August 13th

SYNOPSIS: Every action star to grace the silver screen for the past thirty-odd years said, "fuck it, let's all make a movie together."

IHYFM RECOMMENDATION: Sylvester Stallone has had quite the interesting decade, especially with his continued pursuance of his Edgar Allen Poe biopic, and The Expendables continues his run of showing a) Stallone still wants to be in movies, and b) he has a sense of humor about himself. This could be ridiculous fun - personally, though, I'm going to wait for the critical consensus.

Scott Pilgrim Versus The World

RELEASE DATE: August 13th

SYNOPSIS: Michael Cera's new girlfriend has seven ex-boyfriends that apparently leaped from the screens of Street Fighter. He has to fight and defeat them even though he'd be more at home trapped in a game of Rock Band than Mortal Kombat.

IHYFM RECOMMENDATION: Comic book adaptations are hit and miss at the box office, especially ones that aren't universally known like Batman or The X Men. I would be skeptical of Scott Pilgrim, except it's directed by Edgar Wright. Perhaps you've heard of a few little satires he directed, titled Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz? I'll check it out.

Piranha 3D

RELEASE DATE: August 28th

SYNOPSIS: Joe Dante's 1978 Jaws knockoff gets a reboot, because, dammit, 3D blue cats are fine, but wouldn't we rather see them devoured by swarms of toothy fish?

IHYFM RECOMMENDATION: Piranha 3D will likely be this year's Snakes on a Plane. I hope it proves me wrong and actually delivers on the b-horror movie thrills like last year's superbly entertaining Drag Me To Hell.

THESE MOVIES WILL ALL BE THE EXACT FUCKING SAME

TITLES: The Bounty Hunter, Killers, Knight and Day

RELEASE DATES: March 19th, June 4th, June 25th

SYNOPSIS: He's a charming killer! She's kind of awkward! Will love triumph?

IHYFM RECOMMENDATION: Did you see Mr. and Mrs. Smith? No need to see it three more times with Gerard Butler, Ashton Kutcher, Tom Cruise, and Jennifer Aniston, Katherine Heigl, and Cameron Diaz, right? That's what I thought.

Coming soon: family flicks that I would be inevitably dragged to this summer if I had children. I have a feeling fatherhood and film snobbery will not make the best bedfellows when fatherhood comes to pass.

*Okay, two: I'll definitely see Scott Pilgrim too.