MARMADUKE: FUN FOR YOUR FAMILY

Editor's note: I simply refused to see the big-screen adaptation of Brad Anderson's surreal and humorless comic strip Marmaduke. Instead, I hired my 9-year-old neighbor Spencer to see and review the movie for me, in exchange for ticket fare and five dollars in small change. His unedited words are below. Enjoy.

WELL I WAS EXCITED WHEN JOE TOLD ME HE'D GIVE ME SOME MONEY TO GO SEE THE NEW MARMADUKE MOVIE BECAUSE I LIKE FUNNY MOVIES AND DOGS AND I COULD TELL FROM THE POSTER THAT THIS MOVIE WOULD PUT THOSE TWO THINGS TOGETHER.

MARMADUKE IS ABOUT A BIG DOG NAMED MARMADUKE THAT CAUSES TROUBLE FOR HIS OWNER NAMED PHIL BUT THE REST OF THE FAMILY DOESN'T SEEMED BOTHERED BY MARMADUKE THATS PROBABLY BECAUSE PHIL CARES MORE ABOUT HIS JOB THAN HIS DOG AND IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE PHIL IS A MARKETER FOR A DOG FOOD COMPANY THAT GETS A NEW JOB FOR A BIGGER DOG FOOD COMPANY AND HE HAS TO MOVE HIS FAMILY TO CALIFORNIA FOR THE NEW JOB THEY USED TO LIVE IN KANSAS.

YOU CAN TELL THAT EVEN THOUGH MARMADUKE SOMETIMES IS A TROUBLE MAKER HE IS STILL A GOOD DOG BECAUSE HE TAKES THE YOUNGEST KID FOR WALKS IN THE BEGINNING SO SHE GETS EXERCISE I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT THE YOUNGEST DAUGHTER BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING THE REST OF THE MOVIE.

SOME OF THE SILLY STUFF MARMADUKE DOES IS DIG LOTS OF HOLES IN THE YARD BECAUSE HE WANTS TO FIND CHINA AND RUN OUT OF THE TUB WHEN HE IS GETTING A BATHED. ALSO IN THE BEGINNING HE FARTS IN THE BED WITH PHIL AND HIS WIFE AND IT SMELLS BAD AND I LAUGHED.

SO ANYWAYS PHIL GETS HIS FAMILY READY TO MOVE FROM KANSAS TO CALIFORNIA AND HE PUTS MARMADUKE AND HIS CAT CARLOS IN A CAGE AND GIVES THEM MEATBALLS THAT MAKE THEM SLEEP IN THE PLANE AND MAKES THEM SILLY. CARLOS LOOKS AT HIS PAWS AND SAYS IT'S WEIRD. THERE WAS A MOM SITTING IN FRONT OF ME THAT LAUGHED REALLY HARD AT THAT.

THAT MOM LAUGHED AT SOME OTHER STUFF TOO THAT I DIDN'T GET, LIKE WHEN DOGS ARE SHOWING MARMADUKE THE DIFFERENT GROUPS AT THE DOG PARK AND THERE ARE THE MUSHROOM DOGS AND THEY'RE ACTING WEIRD, OR WHEN A DOG DRINKS TOO MUCH DRAIN PIPE WATER, OR WHEN A DOG IS DRINKING OUT OF THE TOILET AND OTHER DOGS ARE TELLING IT TO CHUG CHUG CHUG. THAT MOM THOUGHT ALL THOSE JOKES WERE FUNNY. SHE WAS DRINKING OUT OF A PAPER BAG WHICH I THOUGHT WAS WEIRD.

SO ANYWAYS THEY GET TO CALIFORNIA AND THERE ARE TWO SONGS ABOUT CALIFORNIA ONE FROM TUPAC AND ONE FROM THE OC SHOW MY MOM DIDN'T LET ME WATCH. THEN MARMADUKE MEETS NEW FRIENDS AT THE DOG PARK MAINLY MAZIE WHO IS A GIRL DOG AND HE DOESN'T FIT IN BECAUSE HE'S BIG. HE GETS A CRUSH ON THIS DOG JEZEBEL BUT SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND BOSCO WHO IS THE ALPHA DOG AND SURFS.

TO BE COOL, MARMADUKE ASKS CARLOS TO PRETEND TO GET BEATEN UP BY MARMADUKE AT THE DOG PARK AND CARLOS AGREES BUT GETS MAD AT MARMADUKE.

SO IN THE MEANTIME PHIL'S NEW JOB ISN'T GOING SO WELL AND HE'S NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO HIS SON WHO DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY SOCCER AND HIS OLDER DAUGHTER THAT WANTS TO MEET BOYS. PHIL NEEDS AN IDEA TO MARKET THE DOG FOOD AND MARMADUKE IS SCARED OF A BEE IN THE CAR AND STARTS BARKING SO PHIL PULLS OVER AND THINKS MARMADUKE WAS BARKING AT SURFERS AND HAS AN IDEA TO MARKET THE DOG FOOD BY HAVING A DOG SURFING CONTEST.

EVEN THOUGH BOSCO IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE BEST SURFER MARMADUKE WINS THE DOG SURFING CONTEST.

MARMADUKE GETS TO BE POPULAR AND HE FORGETS HIS FRIENDS THAT TAUGHT HIM TO PLAY DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION AND TAKES JEZEBEL ON THE DREAM DATE MAZIE TOLD MARMADUKE ABOUT AND MAZIE IS SAD. JOE SAID IT WAS IRONIC JEZEBEL WAS NAMED JEZEBEL BUT SAID I WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHATEVER I THINK ITS A PRETTY NAME FOR A FEMALE DOG.

THEN MARMADUKE HOLDS A PARTY AT HIS HOUSE WHEN PHIL AND THE FAMILY LEAVE FOR THE WEEKEND AND EVERYONE FINDS OUT CARLOS AND MARMADUKE ARE FRIENDS AND THEN NO-ONE LIKES MARMADUKE AGAIN.

THERE WAS A FUNNY PART AT THE PARTY WHERE A DOG WAS ON THE ROOF BY THE POOL AND YELLED OUT I AM A GOLDEN DOG BEFORE JUMPING INTO THE POOL JOE SAID THAT WAS A REFERENCE TO THE MOVIE ALMOST FAMOUS BUT MY MOM WON'T LET ME WATCH THAT BECAUSE SHE SAYS IT GLORIFIES ROCK AND ROLL AND JOURNALISM.

SO ANYWAYS THE HOUSE IS TRASHED FROM THE PARTY AND PHIL IS MAD SO HE PUTS MARMADUKE OUTSIDE IN THE RAIN AND MARMADUKE RUNS A WAY AFTER PUTTING THE SOCCER JERSEY AND DAUGHTER'S CELL PHONE ON THE TABLE FOR PHIL. MAZIE FINDS OUT MARMADUKE RAN AWAY AND GOES LOOKING FOR HIM.

SO THE NEXT DAY PHIL FINDS OUT HE'S BEEN A BAD DAD AND TAKES THE FAMILY LOOKING FOR MARMADUKE EVEN THOUGH HE HAS A BUSINESS MEETING AND MARMADUKE AND MAZIE FALL IN A BURST DRAIN PIPE AND PHIL HAS TO SAVE MARMADUKE FROM THE LA RIVER AND THE VIDEO GETS ON YOUTUBE AND IT SAVES PHIL'S JOB AND MARMADUKE LIKED MAZIE BACK AND THAT WAS THE END.

SO MARMADUKE WAS ABOUT BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF AND LISTENING TO PEOPLE BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES PHONIES. THE MOVIE ENDED GOOD TOO BECAUSE PHIL'S BOSS WONDERS IF THEY CAN MAKE A COMMERCIAL WITH TALKING DOGS BUT PHIL SAYS HE WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT WHICH IS FUNNY BECAUSE THE DOGS TALK THE WHOLE MOVIE THEN THEY WONDER WHAT IF DOGS DANCED AND THEN THE DOGS DANCE AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS COOL BECAUSE I ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF DOGS DANCED.

THEN AT THE VERY VERY END THEY END IT WITH A LAUGH BECAUSE MARMADUKE FARTS IN BED AGAIN JOE SAYS THAT VIOLATED THE COMEDY RULE OF THREE WHICH I GUESS IS RIGHT BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE LIKED THREE FART JOKES INSTEAD OF JUST TWO OH WELL THEY CAN DO IT IN THE SEQUEL.

THERE WERE LOTS OF FAMOUS PEOPLE IN THIS MARMADUKE MOVIE OWEN WILSON WAS THE VOICE OF MARMADUKE AND HE WAS IN CARS AND GEORGE LOPEZ WAS THE VOICE OF CARLOS AND HE HAS A SHOW IN TBS BUT MY MOM WON'T LET ME WATCH CABLE AND EMMA STONE WAS THE VOICE OF MAZIE AND SHE WAS IN ZOMBIELAND BUT MY MOM WON'T LET ME WATCH THAT BECAUSE IT GLORIFIES VIOLENCE AND WOODY HARRELSON AND FERGIE WAS THE VOICE OF JEZEBEL AND SHE IS IN THE BLACK EYED PEAS BUT MY MOM WON'T LET ME LISTEN TO THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE TERRIBLE. ALSO LEE PACE AND KEIFER SUTHERLAND AND JUDY GREER AND MCLOVIN AND STEVE COOGAN AND WILLIAM H MACY AND SAM ELLIOTT.

SO ANYWAYS JOE SAID I SHOULD RATE THIS MOVIE ON A SCALE OF ONE TO FIVE SO I GUESS I WOULD RATE IT A FOUR OUT OF FIVE BECAUSE IT WAS FUN AND MADE YOU THINK BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER IF THERE HAD BEEN THREE FARTS. ITS FUN FOR EVERYONE.

THERE WERE SOME KIDS IN THE BATHROOM AFTER THE MOVIE THAT SAID THEY SAW EVERYTHING COMING AND THE ONLY GOOD PART WAS GEORGE LOPEZ AND I WANTED TO SAY HEY KID IF THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK I DARE YOU TO MAKE A BETTER MOVIE BUT BY THE TIME I THOUGHT OF IT HE HAD ALREADY PEED AND WASHED HIS HANDS AND CHECKED HIS HAIR AND WALKED OUT OF THE BATHROOM OH WELL I GUESS I NOW HAVE SOMETHING SMART TO SAY NEXT TIME I HEAR SOMEONE SAY THAT.

SO ANYWAYS THAT WAS MY REVIEW OF THE MOVIE MARMADUKE AND I LIKED IT AND YOU SHOULD SEE IT IF YOU LIKE TO LAUGH AND YOUR PARENTS WILL TAKE YOU SO I HOPED YOU LIKED READING THIS REVIEW UNTIL NEXT TIME THIS IS SPENCER BYE.

Monday Mini-Post: what's filming at The Bean?

Chicago's monument to... expensive shining things.

Welcome to Monday Mini-Posts, a new semi-regular feature that will run when I have a short anecdote, observation, or opinion to share that is too long for Twitter (@ihateyourfavmov) and it happens to be a Monday after a week wherein I was too busy to post a review. Enjoy!

I happened to be in downtown Chicago this past Friday afternoon, and as it was a warm and picturesque day I decided to take a walk through Millennium Park before heading out of the Loop.

As I headed north past Scary Faces Spitting Water Fountain (called the Crown Fountain), I saw a sizable crowd gathering by The Bean. The Bean, actually named Cloud Gate, which makes sense inasmuch it looks like a cloud of liquid mercury trying to devour tourists and financial analysts, has been a recognizable Chicago landmark since it was birthed onto the AT&T Plaza in 2006.

On this Friday afternoon, The Bean was roped off, and several sandwich boards proclaimed that a Motion Picture was Filming, and that by Being Present all civilians were giving their Consent to have their Faces and Voices used in the Film.

I am a film guy. I've shot some movies in my day, so obviously I wandered by to see what was being made. The latest Jennifer Aniston rom com? The third Christopher Nolan Batman pic? A commercial for laxatives?

Once I reached the top of the plaza, all I saw was a bunch of equipment strewn about and a crew of three guys lazily pushing a camera cart around The Bean. It was quickly obvious I wasn't going to catch a glimpse of John Larroquette or Vince Vaughn, so I tightened the strap of my hipster-douchebag messenger bag and began to wander towards the train.

I passed by a group of girls overwhelmed by the possibility of seeing a star in action. What could this movie be? they asked. Can you see anyone famous? they queried. Seeing a chance to be a wiseass, I made my move.

Do you know what's filming here? they asked me as I passed especially close to their huddling.

Why, it's Pirates of the Caribbean 4! I casually replied.

Yours truly must have one hell of a deadpan.

They scampered off, looking for Johnny Depp.

I wish I was joking.

"Old Dogs": cheaper than taking LSD, but far more damaging to your central nervous system

"It was one of the craziest movies I've ever seen... it's a world where jet packs exist and no one blinks an eye... it's a world where the zoo is closed at three in the afternoon... not only is it closed, but they're having a birthday party on an island in the middle of it that you can't get to because all the boats are broken. You have to see it. It is amazing."

- Scott Aukerman on Doug Benson's "I Love Movies" podcast

Cinematically speaking, it has been a long couple of weeks for your favorite grumpy internet movie reviewer. The Oscar season coming and going necessitated a lot of review of, and reflection on, some of the heavier films of the year (make your own Gabourey Sidibie joke because I simply refuse). This past weekend, when I wasn't inhaling Guinness and celebrating my fraction of Irish heritage, I sat through the "Red Riding" trilogy, which has the same emotional impact as accidentally setting fire to a box full of sick kittens.

I needed something simple and light, a break from all the draining fare I'd subjected myself to for weeks on end.

Due to the aforementioned comments of comedian Scott Aukerman on an episode of Doug Benson's "I Love Movies" podcast, I settled on Old Dogs.

I will not eviscerate the movie for being bad, which it is. Most of the jokes fall flat, and I suspect I wouldn't have liked it too much even when I was young enough to be in the target audience. The fact that it is not terribly good is far from the most interesting thing about Old Dogs, and to merely point out the obvious here would be trite.

Rather, what strikes me about this film is the surprisingly deep cast of talented actors and comedians, and that without aiming for non-sequitur humor, it manages to be one of the strangest comedies I have ever seen.

Close friends of mine know that despite claiming to have a refined palate for film and comedy, I do enjoy some of the stranger corners of the humor world. I am a regular viewer of Adult Swim staple "Aqua Teen Hunger Force," and am probably one of the only people in the world to own the spinoff film on DVD. I also am a regular viewer of "Metalocalypse," and the bizarre "Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job!," and will argue the merits of any spin off of "The State," such as the short-lived "Stella" series, "Reno 911!," or Wet Hot American Summer any day of the week. My video collection is filled with less extreme bizarre and whimsical comedies as well, such as the stand up of Zach Galifianakis, "Arrested Development," and "Flight of the Conchords."

The key difference between those movies and series is that the bizarre is often a means to an end, usually to point out how inane and predictable typical fare can be in the world of comedy.

Old Dogs is at times just as, if not more, bizarre than your strangest late-night comedy; the difference is that it is aiming for pure slapstick and repeatedly coming up woefully short.

Robin Williams and John Travolta are life-long friends who run a boutique sports marketing firm with Seth Green as their young go-to man and Travolta's dog that can't stand up without micturating. As they're on the verge of sealing a major deal with a Japanese firm (because Japanese people are silly gooses!), Williams learns that a one-night stand from the night his divorce finalized is back in town. And she's got their twin children in tow. Williams must learn how to be a good family man even if it's at the expense of his career.

That simple synopsis seems to have all the makings of a decent family comedy, does it not? It sure does! So why, then, have I done nothing so far but describe how awful and bizarre this film turned out to be?

Old Dogs, bless its heart, really swings for the fences at every opportunity, but takes place in a world of logic seemingly lifted from the surreal work of David Lynch. Can you imagine the lame comedic stylings of Charlie Chaplin (the poor man's Buster Keaton) combined with the insane horror of Blue Velvet? That, my friends, is Old Dogs in a nutshell.

The world looks like ours, but it does not operate like ours. Did you turn deep orange because of a spray-tanning mishap? No problem - the mother of your children knows "a few family secrets" that can get rid of it before you leave the restaurant you're in! Do people frequently mistake you for a grandparent? Watch out, because the staff of a breakfast joint will break out into song for you! Do you not know how to play tea party with your daughter? Don't worry, because your friend knows a puppeteer that can put an electrode in your pants that will make you dance to Wilson Pickett!

The world of Old Dogs is a world where being there for your family means attending a birthday party. The world of Old Dogs is a world where you don't bother to wipe bear shit off your face after you've been informed you smeared bear shit on your face. The world of Old Dogs is a world where a grown man doesn't think it's weird to stand in the stall and watch a boy try to take a dump.

The world of Old Dogs, even more bewilderingly, is populated with talented and funny people. Seth Green's Adult Swim show "Robot Chicken" is strange but often amusing, and here he even gets off a decent line when asking the children if they'll add popping bubble wrap to their resumes, but is in the film primarily to be coddled by a gorilla. The late Bernie Mac plays puppeteer extroadinaire Jimmy Lunchbox. Amy Sedaris has a brief role as a tenant at Williams' singles-only condo building. Matt Dillon, the Alec Baldwin to Kevin Dillon's Daniel, is a scout leader made of steel. Rita Wilson is a cross-eyed hand model. Ann-Margret is a grief counselor. Lori Loughlin trades in her wife-to-Uncle-Jesse boots for a pair of Japanese interpreter/hardly-present love interest pumps.

That's the cast that are actually listed. Not credited:

- Mac in the Mac/PC ads, as well as the best part of Zach and Miri Make A Porno, Justin Long, as a haggard spurned lover

- "Punk'd" regular Dax Shepard and Steven Soderbergh's go-to comic relief Luis Guzman as mindless safety technicians

- Vulgar comic Bill Burr as the guy with the jet pack, and, I think, also as a dad on a camping trip

The moral we're meant to take is that being there for your family is the entire battle. Presence. That's all. It doesn't matter if you're there only long enough to crash your jet pack into a lake and be wheeled off to the hospital, that's enough to show your kin you really care.

Oh, I forgot to mention: Kelly Preston, the mother of Williams' children, comes back into his life because she's going to jail for two weeks and has no-one else to really take care of the kids. So, there's that.

This film is bizarre. Hauntingly so.

I beg of you, internet denizens: take my word for it.

TOO MUCH: Uninspired songs on the soundtrack. "Let My Love Open The Door"? Really?

COULD HAVE USED MORE: Justin Long. His one scene was the most bearable of the entire picture.

FILM SNOB NOTE: Helmer Walt Becker cut his teeth on the vastly overrated Van Wilder, and the oddly successful Wild Hogs. The release of Old Dogs was delayed three times - first because of Bernie Mac's death, then because of the passing of Travolta and Preston's son Jett, and finally because of a health scare for Williams. Un Chien Andalou is a more concise and enduring nightmare on film.

IHYFM RATING: This really doesn't seem fair. Pass.

IF YOU SAID THIS WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE, I'D THINK: Either a) you work PR for Disney, b) you're addicted Ritalin and flashing lights, or c) you're legally brain dead.