Editor's note: this column was originally published as a part of a series of articles about The Social Network at The Junior Varsity.
The main character is tragic; at once both simplistic and infinitely complicated. He clearly wants to be recognized for his brilliance, but his grating manner of interpersonal communication ultimately separates him from those with whom we suspect he'd most like to connect.
Obviously, I am referring to New York Press film critic Armond White, renowned Rotten Tomato/Metacritic spoiler, and one of the isolated professional film reviewers to dismiss David Fincher's latest directorial effort, The Social Network.
What I, along with most professional critics and a modest majority of filmgoers, saw in The Social Network was an expertly told (albeit fictionalized) character study of real-life Facebook co-founder Mark Zuckerberg. Zuckerberg, as played by Jesse Eisenberg and scripted by Aaron Sorkin, is an antihero that alienates the few people close to him during his single-minded effort to create what would become the defining social digital phenomenon of the decade. It is beautifully encapsulated in the final shot; without spoiling it, a simple repeated act and well-chosen song beg the question of what our fictionalized Zuckerberg gained and lost in the creation of Facebook, but also, what all of us gain and lose by participating in any of the digital networks that have evolved in the past several years.
I enjoyed the film, as I have much of Fincher's work, specifically Zodiac, as it tells a story with an intelligence, grace, and sophistication rarely seen in major Hollywood releases. I wouldn't go so far as to call Social Network an instant classic, but I have no qualms saying it's among the best studio films of 2010 so far.
That is my opinion. I formed it after seeing the film, taking it all in, reflecting on what I've seen, and in part letting my own life experiences shape what I felt about what I saw on screen. I do have some previous biases towards Fincher and Eisenberg, but tried to judge The Social Network on its own merits, which I felt were numerous.
He doesn't readThe Social Network as a cautionary tale. He sees it as a celebration of calculated capitalism that glorifies a character otherwise universally interpreted as both tragic and unapologetic. White sees the fictionalized Zuckerberg as a justification for an online community that he (perhaps appropriately) dismisses as uninformed and vulgar. Following outcries over his negative reviews of The Dark Knight, Toy Story 3, and Inception, White went so far as to pen a column dismissing the ever-growing phenomenona of message boards and sarcastic blogs that mindlessly rally around tentpole pictures, and ratings sites that dilute film criticism down to a game of pure numbers and percentages.
I mostly agree with those general sentiments. Coming from Mr. White, however, they are... peculiar.
White's célébrité stems from his infamously contrarian reviews of popular cinema, often favoring smaller independent films over their big-budget counterparts. Preferring the art-house to the box office isn't new or noteworthy. What is, however, and what makes him truly infamous, is his inconsistency.
Last year, Roger Ebert came to White's defense following a negative review of District 9,stating that White's comments of empty symbolism were appropriate (sentiments I likewise stated in one of my early reviews on IHYFM). Ebert, though, was unfamiliar with White's overall body of critiquing work, and when directed to a list of films White dismissed as well as some clunkers he praised, Ebert was quick to state:
"I realized I had to withdraw my overall defense of White. I was not familiar enough with his work. It is baffling to me that a critic could praise Transformers 2 but notSynecdoche, NY. Or Death Race but not There Will be Blood. I am forced to conclude that White is, as charged, a troll. A smart and knowing one, but a troll."
I only became familiar with White recently, following his negative review of Toy Story 3 (and praise of Jonah Hex), which drew fire for not only missing the incredible humanity and bravery of its main characters, especially in the face of certain demise, but for incorrectly identifying Hamm as one of the villains of the franchise.
As I became more familiar with White's work, it became readily apparent those minor incorrect details were a hallmark of his reviews. His piece on The Social Network indicates the Winklevoss twins were played by two actors, Armie Hammer and Josh Pence, when the credit roll of the film credits Hammer as playing both twins and Pence as one, an obvious indicator that Pence was a body double. If that seems too subtle a miss on White's part, his review of Machete is more glaring. The review begins with this statement:
"Spoiled alert: That over-the-top image of Danny Trejo firing a machine-gun-mounted-motorcycle while being propelled by a fireball in the Grindhouse spoof-trailer forMachete never appears in the movie itself."
I saw the film. That image absolutely appears in the final reel of the movie. Obvious misses like those, along with frequent spelling, grammatic, and syntactic errors, parallel White often missing the bigger picture of films he reviews.
To go back to the work of Fincher, White's review of Zodiac criticizes a script that provides no definitive answers as to the identity of the real-life Zodiac killer. His error is two-fold — not only did the best real-life suspect die before he could be charged, but the film clearly makes its case for the probability of that suspect being the culprit during the final ten minutes of the film. He blasts Fincher for referencing Dirty Harry, oblivious to the historical context as well as lines of dialogue that explain Dirty Harry was a film made about Toschi and the Zodiac killer long before the case was close to being solved. Similarly, White described a rowing race in The Social Network as "egregious" and "affectless" without seeming to realize the metaphoric importance of the Winklevoss twins narrowly losing a race.
White clearly misses what seems obvious to many of us. However, and this is the really frustrating part of the White persona, sometimes he's right on the money.
Although not a wildly unpopular sentiment, he has blasted the Oscars as being ultimately meaningless. He acknowledged the manner in which The Hurt Locker operated outside of obvious war film conventions. He praised the indie comedy The Foot Fist Way for encapsulating everyman angst in a hilariously vulgar yet begrudgingly likable protagonist. He wrote one of my favorite sentences I've read regarding The Social Network, stating that Eisenberg's Zuckerberg was "the most obnoxious movie protagonist Noah Baumbach didn't write."
His knowledge of film history is impressive. On occasion, his insights are unparalleled. However, his insistence on the veracity of his opinions, which often unfairly compare films (Blade Runner shouldn't have been made because Metropolis did it better, for example), or drift so far off base as to not even resemble film criticism (most of his review of Life As We Know It criticizes The Social Network, David Fincher and his Kubrickian aesthetic, and tacitly blames Zuckerberg for the suicide of Tyler Clementi). White is, as Ebert proclaimed, a troll that knows his film history. As I see it, were it not for the troll, the man from Detroit who would rise to be the chairman of the New York Film Critics Circle could have been an influential film critic that did more than recount the cast of a film and give it an arbitrary numeric rating. The troll, however, all but consumes a reviewer that shows an occasional flash of brilliance.
Therein lies the tragedy of White dismissing The Social Network.
Whether Armond White likes it or not, he is Mark Zuckerberg.
He has alienated himself from a potential adoring public by his manipulation and cocksure certainty of his own brilliance. Despite his declaration of the majority of filmgoers to be crude and ignorant consumers, I refuse to believe there is not a part of White that envies Ebert or Maltin — critics that likewise have a vast knowledge of film history, but are also revered by critics and movie fans alike for their frank and astute movie criticisms. Perhaps more accurately, I imagine White envies his mentor, Pauline Kael, who had a widespread fanbase and degree of artistic influence despite her occasional bashing of mainstream offerings and championing questionable indie titles.
Whatever his ultimate goals or aspirations may be, White's reputation as a knee-jerk antagonist have been all but sealed, thanks to his mostly bewildering, and always self-important, cinematic opinions. His poor analysis of The Social Network, viewing it as a celebration of cutthroat capitalism instead of a tragic cautionary tale, is all too fitting as it was a lost opportunity for White to engage in some honest self-reflection.
In that respect, perhaps White isn't Zuckerberg. His tendency to ignore mainstream successes and champion otherwise overlooked films mimics the work of Kael, only Kael did it far better than he seems to be able.
He's the Winklevoss twins.
Someone get me David Fincher. I think I know a great subject for his next biopic.
I can feel it. I'm going to kick up some shit with this review.
Let me first say, I am a film snob, ergo, I love Martin Scorsese. He was one of the bold filmmakers of the 70's that revived the American cinema, and several of his films are both critical darlings and popular favorites (see: Taxi Driver, Goodfellas, Raging Bull).
He's the original Tarantino, the difference being that while both are students of film history and take influences from films of the past, Scorsese pays homage while Tarantino blatantly replicates, specifically from Scorsese. Too bad the conversation detailing this from Swingers isn't to be found on Youtube. Sigh.
Point being, I expect a lot from Scorsese. Even though some of his more recent works haven't had the punch of his best, they've still had that touch. Sure, The Aviator is flawed, but there is fantastic camera work and an unflinching look at Howard Hughes. It feels like a Scorsese picture.
I suppose that was my biggest disappointment with Shutter Island - aside from a dream sequence and the on-screen depictions of a migraine (which, by the way, screams light bulbs from The Aviator) - is that it doesn't really feel like a movie Scorsese directed.
Shutter Island, based on the novel by Dennis Lehane, follows a US Marshall (DiCaprio) and his partner (Mark Ruffalo, whom I always enjoy) investigating a missing prisoner from a Massachusetts-bay mental institution. In charge of the facility are two doctors, Ben Kingsly and Max von Sydow, who are not making it easy for their investigation to proceed. I would hate to give more away, but if you've seen the trailer, you already know, and if you haven't, you'll have it figured out in the first 30 minutes of the movie. Suffice it to say that not everything is what it seems.
I read a version of the script back in 2005 that left the ending much more open-ended that what we're given in the final product. My complaint with that script is the same with the film - it's a whole lot of work for very little payoff. Shutter Island clocks in at over two hours, and despite a few solid scenes, specifically an extended nightmare sequence and DiCaprio's last couple of lines, the film really feels slow. Had it been about thirty minutes shorter, which wouldn't be too much of a task, Shutter Island would feel like a decent thriller instead of a bloated noir piece trying to be more than it is.
TOO MUCH: Leo grimacing, flashbacks to his days in the service liberating a Nazi death camp which didn't add much to his character
COULD HAVE USED MORE: Suspicion between DiCaprio and Ruffalo.
FILM SNOB NOTE: The aforementioned migraine scene featured a lot of overexposure of the frame, similar to Scorsese's technique in The Aviator in the premiere scene, and Hitchcock's Rear Window. I'm relieved I'm not the only one that wasn't blown away by Shutter Island, or noticed that Leo did a LOT of squinting throughout: Slate's Dana Stevens didn't care for it much, either.
IHYFM RATING: THREE out of FIVE MEHS. I didn't hate it by any means, I just didn't love it. A legendary director and amazing A-list cast from top to bottom can't make a decent script great.
IF YOU SAID THIS WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE, I'D THINK: We're going to go out to the light house and have a little talk.
If you happened to have your television turned on last night, or looked at a newspaper this morning, you may have heard that the President gave a little speech yesterday, and no, it wasn't about the iPad.
Obama delivered the address in his typical Obama style, and it got me thinking about how the office of the Presidency has been portrayed in film, as any movie featuring POTUS usually has them delivering at least one speech with some serious gravitas. With no further ado:
President: Danny Glover as Thomas Wilson (2012), Bill Pullman as Thomas J. Whitmore (Independence Day).
Movies: Roland Emmerich's disaster pics "2012" and "Independence Day"
Style: Both Presidents are family men that are faced with ridiculous pressure, be it aliens or Mayan prophecies. Pullman responds by rousing the troops and flying a jet, Glover responds by taking one for the team and getting wiped off the face of the earth by the USS John F Kennedy.
Typical Quote: "I'm a combat pilot, Will. I belong in the air."
Most Like: George W Bush likes to think of himself as a combat pilot, but was more likely to be swept away by the proverbial tide in execution of his duties.
President: Alan Alda as an unnamed President
Movie: Michael Moore's foray into scripted comedy and satire, as well as John Candy's last screen performance, "Canadian Bacon".
Style: Comically inept. His aides and generals run the show, and he's better suited for hosting a talk show than running the country - the end credit titles inform us he began hosting "Good Morning, Cleveland" after losing his bid for re-election.
Typical Quote: "It's time to turn off that war machine, and turn on our children."
Most Like: Although there are similarities to 43, Alda's goofy innocence screams Jimmy Carter.
President: Kevin Kline as presidential impersonator-turned-President Bill Mitchell
Movie: Ivan Reitman's 1993 presidential rom-com "Dave".
Style: Practical, smooth-talking, no-nonsense. 'Dave' always is able to cut the tension with some quick wit.
Typical Quote: [when balancing the budget]: "I don't want to tell some eight-year-old kid he's got to sleep in the street so somebody can feel better about their car. Do you want to tell them that?"
Most Like: Last night B.O. had a lot of straight talk and quick wit too.
Holy shit, do people love reading lists at the end of each year. Top 10s are everywhere: top 10 movies, top 10 albums, top 10 Tiger Woods mistresses (zing! topical!). Lists not only help people waste time at work reminiscing on the past 12 months (an ultimately arbitrary measurement of time), but more importantly, they are fucking easy to write.
In the order they were released (not necessarily the order I saw them in), please enjoy a list of every new film of 2009 I saw.
Watchmen
RUNDOWN: The beautifully intricate and groundbreaking graphic novel is finally adapted for the silver screen 20 some years after various producers and directors began trying to make it a go. The film looks great, but overall lousy acting, directing, and slow pacing made the 2:40 run time drag. The change they made to the ending events was a good, logical touch. Jackie Earle Haley shines as Rorschach, Billy Crudup's digital blue penis simply shines.
VERDICT: Don't let the trailers fool you. Unless you really loved the graphic novel, this is a pass.
I Love You, Man
RUNDOWN: A favorite comedy lead of mine, Paul Rudd, stars as a non-guy's-guy who is in need of a buddy to be his best man, and gets wrapped up in a budding bromance with Jason Segel, a charming but puzzling man-child. A great cast led by Rudd and Segel, as well as Rashida Jones as Rudd's fiance, and Jon Favreau, Tom Lennon, Andy Samburg, Tom Lennon, and Rob Huebel among the many talented actors in supporting roles, can't keep a dull script afloat.
VERDICT: The cast and premise look awesome on paper. Sadly, it's pretty lackluster in execution.
Adventureland
RUNDOWN: If you saw the trailer like I did, you'd think this was a "Superbad"-esqe teen-sex comedy starring Jesse Eisenberg and Kristen "She Plays 'Bella'!" Stewart with lots of silly side shenanigans led by SNL players Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig. You would be wrong. "Adventureland" is a "Graduate"-esqe teen-sex dramedy where Hader and Wiig's shenanigans are few and far between. Eisenberg has to take up a job at a local amusement park when his funding for a post-collegiate European trip come up short. Sexy times with KStew almost happen over and over again, and there's some Velvet Underground. Martin Starr, Bill from "Freaks and Geeks", has a great supporting role that is essentially a college-age Bill, and Ryan Reynolds shows some serious acting chops as a philandering ride mechanic that all the naive teen girls think is a real Shaun Cassidy.
VERDICT: Although I felt it was seriously mis-marketed, it's a pretty good, albeit occasionally depressing, little picture.
"Observe and Report"
RUNDOWN: Seth Rogen plays a mall cop who's obsessed with his job and wants to be a cop, but is too imbalanced and stupid to be on the force. He tries to woo an always-funny Anna Faris and one-up cop nemesis Ray Liotta. The result is what you'd get if "Taxi Driver" were a comedy. A dark comedy.
VERDICT: It's grim and disturbing at times, but Jody Hill's dark comedy is pretty funny throughout. Anna Faris shines, and it's nice to see Seth Rogen branch out a bit from his usual shtick.
"X-Men Origins: Wolverine"
RUNDOWN: Did you not learn enough of Wolverine's back-story in the first two (superior) X-Men films? How about two hours of various mutants jumping around and indiscriminately breaking shit in a manner that makes "X-Men 3" look like "Citizen Kane" in comparison? The two minutes of Ryan Reynolds are the only enjoyable ones in the film because Reynolds seems to be in on the joke of how terrible the movie is. Liev Shreiber goes mutton chop to mutton chop with Hugh Jackman, who you can tell is just dying to bust out in a pirouette and belt a few chords from "GiGi".
VERDICT: Watch the first two movies again, curse the day Bryan Singer dropped the series to direct "Superman", and wonder who in the hell suggested Will i Am get into acting.
"Star Trek"
RUNDOWN: JJ Abrams reboots the original "Star Trek" saga with a cast of relative unknowns. Chris Pine takes over as Kirk and "Heroes" cast member Zachary Quinto fills the shoes of Spock, despite the fact he can't do the Vulcan hand salutation without the help of model airplane glue. The movie suggests an alternate universe to the original televised saga before the construction of the Enterprise and birth of most of her original crew, and effectively opens up the series for at least two sequels that Abrams is attached to. Eric Bana, Karl Urban, Zoe Saldana, Simon "Shaun of the Dead" Pegg and John "Harold" Cho help fill out the cast.
VERDICT: I was never a huge Star Trek guy, but this was hands-down the first really enjoyable popcorn movie of the year - great action, some good laughs, exciting battles - basically, everything that true Trek fans hate. Definitely worth a rental.
"Terminator Salvation"
RUNDOWN: Judgement Day happens, it's the future, and the war we spent three movies and an unfortunately short-lived television series trying to prevent is totally on. Christian Bale takes over the reigns of John Connor from the physically unimpressive Nick Stahl. Sam Worthington plays a death-row inmate who signs on to a Cyberdyne experiment before his last meal, and wakes up in a hellish future. A hellish future where McG is a decent action movie director, and a sequel to an iconic franchise went to the screen about three rewrites too early. Do you think Skynet will get John Connor this time around?
VERDICT: It wasn't quite as terrible as all the reviews made it out to be, but it could have been so much better, which is the real disappointment. I'll bet the Rottentomatoes score would have improved 10% if the Helena Bonham Carter subplot was taken out and we didn't learn about Worthington's past until he did. The best thing to come out of this movie was Bale's breakdown.
"Up"
RUNDOWN: Pixar has yet to swing and miss when it comes to making them moving talking pictures. "Up" is the story of an old man who looks to escape from a nursing home by making his home into an improvised zeppelin; in the process he fulfills childhood dreams of his and his departed wife, and makes a valuable friendship with a boy in need of a father figure.
VERDICT: It's one of the most moving pictures I've seen in a while - the wordless montage in the beginning of the movie chronicling the couples' aging gets me choked up every time. Ed Asner helps make the funny moments funnier with his cantankerous old-man speak that isn't much of an acting leap for him. Definitely worth the rental.
"Drag Me To Hell"
RUNDOWN: Alison Lohman messes with the wrong gypsy, gets herself cursed. Justin Long can't help. Commence horror spiced with silly comedy.
VERDICT: As I said in the IHYFM review, if you like movies in the vein of "Evil Dead", this is a must-see. Also, if a creepy gypsy asks you if she can have an extension on her mortgage, you say "yes, creepy gypsy lady".
"The Hangover"
RUNDOWN: A Vegas bachelor party where the least funny or recognizable guy goes missing (Justin Bartha), and buddies Ed Helms, Bradley Cooper, and Zach Galifianakis try to track him down before he's supposed to walk the aisle. Hilarity and one of Heather Graham's breasts ensues.
VERDICT: It's a decently funny comedy, but I was shocked at how overwhelmingly popular it was. IHYFM review here.
"Year One"
RUNDOWN: I saw this movie for free. One of my friends scored movie passes after complaining about some delightfully shitty service at a local theater, and we had to use the tickets within two weeks. This was the only thing we felt was remotely worth seeing, which is saying something. Jack Black and Michael Cera do their usual thing, except it's in biblical times. David Cross as Cain kills Paul Rudd as Abel with a rock. Hank Azaria makes a dick joke. McLovin does the McLovin.
VERDICT: Watch director Harold Ramis' bit when this is inevitably played on a loop on TBS as a lead-in to George Lopez, otherwise, pass.
"The Hurt Locker"
RUNDOWN: Jeremy Renner (the soldier from "28 Weeks Later") plays a daredevil demolitions expert in 2004 Baghdad. Director Kathryn Bigelow takes a script from Mark Boal, who was an embedded reporter with a bomb squad in Iraq, and crafts a harrowing war drama unlike most I've seen. Even though there are some leaps of logic (would a bomb squad have extensive sniper training?), this feels like the truest war movie in years. Nothing is predictable, the danger is constant, and for Renner, war is a drug.
VERDICT: If the Academy judged films solely on merit and not on Hollywood politics, this would be the hands-down front runner for Best Picture next February. A must-see.
"Public Enemies"
RUNDOWN: Johnny Depp plays John Dillinger and Christian Bale plays Melvin Purvis, the agent sent to Chicago to take him down. If the Michael Mann that directed "Heat" or "Collateral" had shown up to direct this true-life crime drama, we would have had a kickass thriller. Unfortunately, the Michael Mann that directed "Miami Vice" punched the time clock.
VERDICT: As awesome as it is to see Chicago renovated to look like it did back in the day, especially Lincoln north of Fullerton where Dillinger was killed outside the Biograph, this crime drama is about as exciting as going through Dillinger's sock drawer.
"Bruno"
RUNDOWN: It's "Borat" with a gay dude.
VERDICT: If you enjoyed the trailer or "The Ali G Show", you'll like the movie. More laughs per minute than "Borat". Not for the faint of heart. By which I mean there's a scene where Bruno's penis talks to you.
"In The Loop"
RUNDOWN: England and America are two countries separated by a common language, and gear up for World War III because they are both run by idiots.
VERDICT: The comedy that nobody in this country saw is a must-see. IHYFM review here.
"Funny People"
RUNDOWN: Seth Rogen is a struggling stand-up comic, Adam Sandler is a dying stand-up comic. Hilarity does not ensue when Sandler tries to woo a married former flame.
VERDICT: Remember how combining two movies made "The Dark Knight" awesome? The reverse happened with "Funny People". IHYFM review here.
"Thirst"
RUNDOWN: Yes, Virginia, there was a vampire movie that came out in 2009 that wasn't a flaming cinematic turd. "The Host" star Kang-ho Song plays a priest that survives a deadly virus that has odd side effects. He thirsts (get it?) for blood and sex with a dangerously free-spirited young woman.
VERDICT: This South Korean thriller is the most interesting in its third act, although it does take a while to get there. Not amazing, but if you're looking for something off the beaten horror path this isn't a bad way to go. "Oldboy" director Chan-wook Park will give you some good psychological creeps.
"District 9"
RUNDOWN: Apartheid, with aliens! Peter Jackson helped unknown director Neill Blomkamp get a feature film made after the "Halo" movie imploded. An evil corporation starts to muscle alien squatters out of their huts, and one of their employees becomes suddenly ill and embroiled in the alien struggle. Heads blow up.
RUNDOWN: Brad Pitt leads a squad of soldiers whose mission is to terrorize Nazi forces in France. Most of the film, however, follows Christoph Waltz as a SS Colonel hunting hiding Jews, and Melanie Laurent as one of the Jews that escaped Waltz's grasp.
VERDICT: Tarantino's anti-war-movie war movie was among the year's best, and one of Tarantino's best. Although it took me several weeks to fully digest it after the first viewing, I've really come to appreciate how Tarantino uses "Basterds" to criticize the notion that war movies are only good if they are true to life and feature long, extensive, gory battles. He proves that the human element is what makes any film truly interesting. That, and Brad Pitt talks in a silly southern drawl. That's fun. IHYFM review here.
"World's Greatest Dad"
RUNDOWN: Robin Williams is a teacher and aspiring writer who is constantly overwhelmed by being a single dad to the biggest douchebag imaginable. In the wake of some peculiar circumstances, though, it seems like Williams will be able to get everything he wants out of life.
VERDICT: This is a shockingly dark and grim comedy. Writer-director Bobcat Goldthwait does find some tenderness where you don't think it's possible, and the reviews are right on: it's Williams' best role in years. This is not for the faint of heart, so I wouldn't recommend it unless you really enjoyed the trailer.
"Extract"
RUNDOWN: Mike Judge follows up his hugely popular "Office Space" and cult hit "Idiocracy" with a tale of a small business owner (Jason Bateman) trying to juggle a lawsuit, cheating wife, and con-artist employee. Kristen Wiig, Mila Kunis, and Ben Affleck are all fun to watch in supporting roles.
VERDICT: Like Judge's other works, it's unconventional, but has quality laughs throughout. It's definitely worth checking out when it's released on DVD next week.
"Zombieland"
RUNDOWN: The zombie apocalypse has happened. Only loners like Jesse Eisenberg and sociopaths like Woody Harrelson survive, as well as con artists like Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin. Undead hilarity abounds.
VERDICT: Great comedy that doesn't overstay its welcome. Worth a look if you're into the broad genre of "zombie comedy". IHYFM review here.
"The Invention of Lying"
RUNDOWN: Ricky Gervais lives in a world where people can only say the brutal truth and nobody has ever uttered a lie. When Gervais learns he has the ability to say things that aren't true, he quickly turns his life around, but the movie takes an unexpected turn when he invents religion.
VERDICT: An all-star cast is fun to watch, but the movie drags a bit, especially during several over-long montages. As far as Gervais material goes, you're probably better off with "The Office" or "Extras".
"A Serious Man"
RUNDOWN: A physics professor is getting a divorce, probably not getting tenured, and his neighbor won't stop mowing part of his lawn. It's the story of Job in yesteryear Minnesota, and it's a pretty damned funny.
VERDICT: The Coen Brothers have been on a hot streak for the last few years, this is no exception. If you're a fan of their work, definitely check it out. IHYFM review here.
"2012"
RUNDOWN: Shit gets fucked on a global scale. John Cusack (spoiler!) survives.
VERDICT: Fuck watching shit get fucked. IHYFM review here.
"The Road"
RUNDOWN: The end of the world has come, and a Man and his son, the Boy, are trying to make their way down the eastern coast for a warmer winter. What they encounter is even more horrific than the cast of "Jersey Shore".
VERDICT: Only see it if you loved the book by Cormac McCarthy or were really juiced to see people scrounge canned goods and avoid cannibals for two hours. IHYFM review here.
"Bad Lieutenant"
RUNDOWN: Nic Cage pulls a "House" and gets addicted to pain pills and worse in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans. He loses his mind during a homicide investigation, and sees iguanas and break-dancing souls.
VERDICT: In his retelling of Abel Ferrara's film, Werner Herzog rips himself off, according to my buddy that really knows Werner Herzog. The parts he ripped himself off were my three favorite minutes of the movie, which will be on Youtube in about two months anyway. Pass.
2009 MOVIES STILL ON MY RADAR:
"CRANK 2": Jason Statham reprises his role as an ass-kicking assassin with a short shelf life. The original, although silly, was a lot of fun to watch, and the reviews indicate the sequel delivers more of the same.
"TYSON": A well-reviewed documentary about boxing's oddest personality is said to be fascinatingly insightful.
"AWAY WE GO": A young couple tries to figure out where to plant their roots when they're expecting. The consensus on the Vendela Vida-Dave Eggers story is that although it's a bit slow, John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph are fun to watch playing with a cast of comedy all-stars.
"COLD SOULS": Paul Giamatti plays Paul Giamatti in a Charlie Kaufman-esqe comedy about a company that extracts and freezes souls.
"IT MIGHT GET LOUD": A documentary about guitars stars U2's The Edge, Jimmy Page, and The White Stripe's Jack White.
"THE BAADER MEINHOF COMPLEX": A German film about the infamous terrorist organization of the 1970's is supposed to deliver the goods. The guy from "Run Lola Run" stars.
"BIG FAN": Comedian Patton Oswalt is said to shine in Robert Siegel's dark comedy about a sports fan that loves the home team so much he won't prosecute when he's assaulted by one of the star players. This was such a limited release it was in Chicago for one night.
"THE INFORMANT!": Matt Damon stars in the Steven Soderbergh vehicle about the true story of one of the biggest corporate whistleblowers in history - a hilarious yarn about price-fixing corn.
"CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY": I was too busy with school to catch Michael Moore's latest populist critique that zeroes in on those responsible for the financial meltdown. Like his other works, I've heard despite its "Michael Moore" faults, it is still an infuriating look at things that are seriously wrong in this country.
"THE FANTASTIC MR. FOX": Wes Anderson's adaptation of Roald Dahl's story reminds us that animation doesn't have to be computerized.
"UP IN THE AIR": Jason Reitman struck gold with his first two films, "Thank You For Smoking" and "Juno", so this tale of George Clooney taking a hard look at his constantly-on-the-road lifestyle shouldn't be any different.
"SHERLOCK HOLMES": Normally, I'd scoff at a movie that completely warps iconic source material, but the combination of Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law and trailers that suggest Guy Ritchie has made a non-shitty movie for the first time in almost a decade have me excited for what looks to be a good popcorn romp.
"AVATAR": I will likely force myself to see it so you don't have to. Happy Holidays, my dear readers.
Lately, I've had several in-depth discussions with a group of friends regarding the inevitable zombie apocalypse and how we'll survive it in style. I won't go into the details, both because this isn't another review of "Zombieland", and also because I don't want any opportunists beating us to the punch in Chicagoland in securing transportation, provisions, weapons, shelter, and BASE jumping equipment.
The truth behind these (mostly) whimsical discussions is, however, that if there is some widespread calamity that disrupts our nation's ability to manufacture or import foodstuffs and basic clothing and medical supplies, survival will quickly become a luxury for only the most hardened, ruthless, and lucky of us.
This is the world that "No Country for Old Men" author Cormac McCarthy penned "The Road", an apocalyptic love-song he dedicated to his son. The novel, which was adapted almost verbatim for the big screen, is the story of a man and his son traversing a devastated American northeast in the hopes of reaching the coast and eventually the south to survive the winter. The novel's formatting on the page is stripped and simple - few apostrophes and no quotation marks grace the pages of simple sentences and short paragraphs. The writing emphasizes how bleak the world has become after an unnamed disaster. It makes for an easy transition to the silver screen, where Viggo Mortensen does his best to escort Kodi Smit-McPhee through a barren countryside where canned goods are sparse and roaming bands of cannibals sift through the ash looking for survivors too weak or ill-equipped to defend themselves.
Not much more can be said about the specifics of the plot, as that is about all there is to "The Road". What is at the core is the emotional struggle of a man trying to protect his son and remain one of the "good guys". Can you remain a good guy while denying others a can of your provisions so your son has one more meal a week from now? If you were surrounded by cannibals, could you use your last bullet to make sure your son didn't suffer? I write this as a single man in his mid-20's. The reading and viewing experience had my paternal instincts running so high my blood boiled and eyes grew misty.
The emotional toll of "The Road" doesn't entirely make up for the stripped-down narrative, which is essentially "man and boy walk, eat, walk". While this does occasionally work in the film's favor, especially in an early scene when Mortensen wakes from bed, looks out the window to an unseen horror, and immediately starts filling the bathtub with water, at the end of the film we're not left with much to reflect on beyond our own emotional turmoil.
As is the style with McCarthy, we're left to ponder what to make of everything that happened over the past two hours (recall the often-mocked ending to "No Country For Old Men"?). A line from early in the book and film sums it up, when The Man is looking at The Boy: "If he is not the word of God, then God never spoke."
Life, no matter how grim, and even born out of tragedy, is miraculous.
TOO MUCH: Gray. There has to be other colors in the apocalypse, right? Heart-wrenching music - Slate columnist Dana Stevens nailed it in her review. Viggo Mortensen's ass and ball sac.
COULD HAVE USED MORE: Not much - basically everything in the book is in the film.
FILM SNOB NOTE: Robert Duvall basically unrecognizable - I didn't know he was in the film and thought the Old Man sounded an awful lot like Duvall. Everything that "2012" did wrong, which was a lot, "The Road" got right - watching the apocalypse happen isn't interesting, but the aftermath is. Charlize Theron and Guy Pearce make the most out of small roles, Viggo turns in another great screen performance. Most of the end credits roll with the sounds of suburbia instead of music, for an eerie reminder of all we take for granted.
IHYFM RATING: THREE AND A HALF out of FIVE MEHS. I can't deny the emotional power of the father-son relationship and visceral horrors on screen, but as a movie "The Road" leaves you wishing there was a little more to it. "No Country For Old Men" is a far better bet so far as McCarthy adaptations go.
IF YOU SAID THIS WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE, I'D THINK: When the apocalypse comes, I'm going to mooch a few of your stockpiled canned goods.
Editor's note: this column was originally published as a part of a series of articles about The Social Network at The Junior Varsity.
