MARMADUKE: FUN FOR YOUR FAMILY

Editor's note: I simply refused to see the big-screen adaptation of Brad Anderson's surreal and humorless comic strip Marmaduke. Instead, I hired my 9-year-old neighbor Spencer to see and review the movie for me, in exchange for ticket fare and five dollars in small change. His unedited words are below. Enjoy.

WELL I WAS EXCITED WHEN JOE TOLD ME HE'D GIVE ME SOME MONEY TO GO SEE THE NEW MARMADUKE MOVIE BECAUSE I LIKE FUNNY MOVIES AND DOGS AND I COULD TELL FROM THE POSTER THAT THIS MOVIE WOULD PUT THOSE TWO THINGS TOGETHER.

MARMADUKE IS ABOUT A BIG DOG NAMED MARMADUKE THAT CAUSES TROUBLE FOR HIS OWNER NAMED PHIL BUT THE REST OF THE FAMILY DOESN'T SEEMED BOTHERED BY MARMADUKE THATS PROBABLY BECAUSE PHIL CARES MORE ABOUT HIS JOB THAN HIS DOG AND IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE PHIL IS A MARKETER FOR A DOG FOOD COMPANY THAT GETS A NEW JOB FOR A BIGGER DOG FOOD COMPANY AND HE HAS TO MOVE HIS FAMILY TO CALIFORNIA FOR THE NEW JOB THEY USED TO LIVE IN KANSAS.

YOU CAN TELL THAT EVEN THOUGH MARMADUKE SOMETIMES IS A TROUBLE MAKER HE IS STILL A GOOD DOG BECAUSE HE TAKES THE YOUNGEST KID FOR WALKS IN THE BEGINNING SO SHE GETS EXERCISE I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT THE YOUNGEST DAUGHTER BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING THE REST OF THE MOVIE.

SOME OF THE SILLY STUFF MARMADUKE DOES IS DIG LOTS OF HOLES IN THE YARD BECAUSE HE WANTS TO FIND CHINA AND RUN OUT OF THE TUB WHEN HE IS GETTING A BATHED. ALSO IN THE BEGINNING HE FARTS IN THE BED WITH PHIL AND HIS WIFE AND IT SMELLS BAD AND I LAUGHED.

SO ANYWAYS PHIL GETS HIS FAMILY READY TO MOVE FROM KANSAS TO CALIFORNIA AND HE PUTS MARMADUKE AND HIS CAT CARLOS IN A CAGE AND GIVES THEM MEATBALLS THAT MAKE THEM SLEEP IN THE PLANE AND MAKES THEM SILLY. CARLOS LOOKS AT HIS PAWS AND SAYS IT'S WEIRD. THERE WAS A MOM SITTING IN FRONT OF ME THAT LAUGHED REALLY HARD AT THAT.

THAT MOM LAUGHED AT SOME OTHER STUFF TOO THAT I DIDN'T GET, LIKE WHEN DOGS ARE SHOWING MARMADUKE THE DIFFERENT GROUPS AT THE DOG PARK AND THERE ARE THE MUSHROOM DOGS AND THEY'RE ACTING WEIRD, OR WHEN A DOG DRINKS TOO MUCH DRAIN PIPE WATER, OR WHEN A DOG IS DRINKING OUT OF THE TOILET AND OTHER DOGS ARE TELLING IT TO CHUG CHUG CHUG. THAT MOM THOUGHT ALL THOSE JOKES WERE FUNNY. SHE WAS DRINKING OUT OF A PAPER BAG WHICH I THOUGHT WAS WEIRD.

SO ANYWAYS THEY GET TO CALIFORNIA AND THERE ARE TWO SONGS ABOUT CALIFORNIA ONE FROM TUPAC AND ONE FROM THE OC SHOW MY MOM DIDN'T LET ME WATCH. THEN MARMADUKE MEETS NEW FRIENDS AT THE DOG PARK MAINLY MAZIE WHO IS A GIRL DOG AND HE DOESN'T FIT IN BECAUSE HE'S BIG. HE GETS A CRUSH ON THIS DOG JEZEBEL BUT SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND BOSCO WHO IS THE ALPHA DOG AND SURFS.

TO BE COOL, MARMADUKE ASKS CARLOS TO PRETEND TO GET BEATEN UP BY MARMADUKE AT THE DOG PARK AND CARLOS AGREES BUT GETS MAD AT MARMADUKE.

SO IN THE MEANTIME PHIL'S NEW JOB ISN'T GOING SO WELL AND HE'S NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO HIS SON WHO DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY SOCCER AND HIS OLDER DAUGHTER THAT WANTS TO MEET BOYS. PHIL NEEDS AN IDEA TO MARKET THE DOG FOOD AND MARMADUKE IS SCARED OF A BEE IN THE CAR AND STARTS BARKING SO PHIL PULLS OVER AND THINKS MARMADUKE WAS BARKING AT SURFERS AND HAS AN IDEA TO MARKET THE DOG FOOD BY HAVING A DOG SURFING CONTEST.

EVEN THOUGH BOSCO IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE BEST SURFER MARMADUKE WINS THE DOG SURFING CONTEST.

MARMADUKE GETS TO BE POPULAR AND HE FORGETS HIS FRIENDS THAT TAUGHT HIM TO PLAY DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION AND TAKES JEZEBEL ON THE DREAM DATE MAZIE TOLD MARMADUKE ABOUT AND MAZIE IS SAD. JOE SAID IT WAS IRONIC JEZEBEL WAS NAMED JEZEBEL BUT SAID I WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHATEVER I THINK ITS A PRETTY NAME FOR A FEMALE DOG.

THEN MARMADUKE HOLDS A PARTY AT HIS HOUSE WHEN PHIL AND THE FAMILY LEAVE FOR THE WEEKEND AND EVERYONE FINDS OUT CARLOS AND MARMADUKE ARE FRIENDS AND THEN NO-ONE LIKES MARMADUKE AGAIN.

THERE WAS A FUNNY PART AT THE PARTY WHERE A DOG WAS ON THE ROOF BY THE POOL AND YELLED OUT I AM A GOLDEN DOG BEFORE JUMPING INTO THE POOL JOE SAID THAT WAS A REFERENCE TO THE MOVIE ALMOST FAMOUS BUT MY MOM WON'T LET ME WATCH THAT BECAUSE SHE SAYS IT GLORIFIES ROCK AND ROLL AND JOURNALISM.

SO ANYWAYS THE HOUSE IS TRASHED FROM THE PARTY AND PHIL IS MAD SO HE PUTS MARMADUKE OUTSIDE IN THE RAIN AND MARMADUKE RUNS A WAY AFTER PUTTING THE SOCCER JERSEY AND DAUGHTER'S CELL PHONE ON THE TABLE FOR PHIL. MAZIE FINDS OUT MARMADUKE RAN AWAY AND GOES LOOKING FOR HIM.

SO THE NEXT DAY PHIL FINDS OUT HE'S BEEN A BAD DAD AND TAKES THE FAMILY LOOKING FOR MARMADUKE EVEN THOUGH HE HAS A BUSINESS MEETING AND MARMADUKE AND MAZIE FALL IN A BURST DRAIN PIPE AND PHIL HAS TO SAVE MARMADUKE FROM THE LA RIVER AND THE VIDEO GETS ON YOUTUBE AND IT SAVES PHIL'S JOB AND MARMADUKE LIKED MAZIE BACK AND THAT WAS THE END.

SO MARMADUKE WAS ABOUT BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF AND LISTENING TO PEOPLE BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES PHONIES. THE MOVIE ENDED GOOD TOO BECAUSE PHIL'S BOSS WONDERS IF THEY CAN MAKE A COMMERCIAL WITH TALKING DOGS BUT PHIL SAYS HE WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT WHICH IS FUNNY BECAUSE THE DOGS TALK THE WHOLE MOVIE THEN THEY WONDER WHAT IF DOGS DANCED AND THEN THE DOGS DANCE AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS COOL BECAUSE I ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF DOGS DANCED.

THEN AT THE VERY VERY END THEY END IT WITH A LAUGH BECAUSE MARMADUKE FARTS IN BED AGAIN JOE SAYS THAT VIOLATED THE COMEDY RULE OF THREE WHICH I GUESS IS RIGHT BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE LIKED THREE FART JOKES INSTEAD OF JUST TWO OH WELL THEY CAN DO IT IN THE SEQUEL.

THERE WERE LOTS OF FAMOUS PEOPLE IN THIS MARMADUKE MOVIE OWEN WILSON WAS THE VOICE OF MARMADUKE AND HE WAS IN CARS AND GEORGE LOPEZ WAS THE VOICE OF CARLOS AND HE HAS A SHOW IN TBS BUT MY MOM WON'T LET ME WATCH CABLE AND EMMA STONE WAS THE VOICE OF MAZIE AND SHE WAS IN ZOMBIELAND BUT MY MOM WON'T LET ME WATCH THAT BECAUSE IT GLORIFIES VIOLENCE AND WOODY HARRELSON AND FERGIE WAS THE VOICE OF JEZEBEL AND SHE IS IN THE BLACK EYED PEAS BUT MY MOM WON'T LET ME LISTEN TO THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE TERRIBLE. ALSO LEE PACE AND KEIFER SUTHERLAND AND JUDY GREER AND MCLOVIN AND STEVE COOGAN AND WILLIAM H MACY AND SAM ELLIOTT.

SO ANYWAYS JOE SAID I SHOULD RATE THIS MOVIE ON A SCALE OF ONE TO FIVE SO I GUESS I WOULD RATE IT A FOUR OUT OF FIVE BECAUSE IT WAS FUN AND MADE YOU THINK BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER IF THERE HAD BEEN THREE FARTS. ITS FUN FOR EVERYONE.

THERE WERE SOME KIDS IN THE BATHROOM AFTER THE MOVIE THAT SAID THEY SAW EVERYTHING COMING AND THE ONLY GOOD PART WAS GEORGE LOPEZ AND I WANTED TO SAY HEY KID IF THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK I DARE YOU TO MAKE A BETTER MOVIE BUT BY THE TIME I THOUGHT OF IT HE HAD ALREADY PEED AND WASHED HIS HANDS AND CHECKED HIS HAIR AND WALKED OUT OF THE BATHROOM OH WELL I GUESS I NOW HAVE SOMETHING SMART TO SAY NEXT TIME I HEAR SOMEONE SAY THAT.

SO ANYWAYS THAT WAS MY REVIEW OF THE MOVIE MARMADUKE AND I LIKED IT AND YOU SHOULD SEE IT IF YOU LIKE TO LAUGH AND YOUR PARENTS WILL TAKE YOU SO I HOPED YOU LIKED READING THIS REVIEW UNTIL NEXT TIME THIS IS SPENCER BYE.